Hearing the Heartbeat
by thechosenone305
Summary: Dean has seen Cas die. He's seen Cas rebel. Dean has seen Cas, even when he wasn't Cas. But even through it all, Dean had never seen Cas cry. Destiel, canon divergence, post 09x03.


**A/N: I saw this wonderful fanart by tumblr user azeenfujoshi and wow, it was so cute. It hit me in the feels. And well, this one shot basically ended up writing itself. I really enjoy all seasons of Supernatural, so they get mentioned here too.**

**Destiel once again. I have a Sabriel fanfic in the works, very excited for that. I have some exams coming up but I just wanted to write this to get something out there into the world. Seeing that I didn't get too many hits with the Attack on Titan fanfic on here, [conceal, don't feel, don't let them know] I decided to go back to Supernatural for the moment being.**

**And the latest episode was really good. I had one emotion and that was [screaming.] Just hold me. I need someone to hold me. **

**The title is from an Attack on Titan episode.**

**Basically, human!Cas, feels, Fluff, angst, feels, hurt/comfort, destiel, profound bond, hold me.**

**Very early season 9, post Cas and the Reaper. Canon divergence: Cas stays in the bunker.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. Enjoy!**

Dean has seen Cas in his lowest moments; getting drunk, having a hangover, feeling the pain of an absent father. He's seen Cas mourn his family, feeling ashamed of having them turn heaven into a battlefield. He's seen Cas die. He's seen Cas rebel against Heaven's orders.

Dean has seen Cas, even when he wasn't Cas. The Leviathans, mind control by Naomi, brainwashed by heaven.

And many times, Dean felt like Cas was slipping from him. That Cas was leaving him.

But through it all, Cas remained. He would disappear, but he would never leave.

Dean still remembered the Apocalypse. He remembered the Leviathans, those scumbags. He remembered Purgatory. Through it all, Cas was there for him.

He's not afraid to admit that Cas was family. Given, not blood related, but family nevertheless. And family don't end with blood.

The way Dean used to see it for years was that Cas was his best friend. His right hand man next to Sam of course. Cas was one of the people that kept him grounded, kept him levelled. Dean trusted Cas, he really did.

Their profound bond really was, well, a profound bond.

It was different than the bond between Sam and Dean. They were brothers, and Dean loved Sam, no matter all the shit they've gone through. Sure, it's not exactly perfect right now, but Dean was getting there.

But over the years, it started to change between him and Cas. It wasn't exactly platonic anymore, but it was more than that. Sure, Cas was still his best friend, but it was different. Dean loved Sam, but the love Dean had for Cas, it was more than anything he's felt before.

Dean had kept a good job of keeping it a secret for a while. A really long while. He was still into women, but Cas was also there. And he accepted the fact that, well, guys are kinda hot too. Guys being Cas, that was.

It took years of denial before Dean finally accepting it. And he kept it well hidden, not letting it show. But one time, during the early nesting days of living in the bunker, Dean hinted at it, Sam just sipped at his beer and said "I know," like it was the most normal thing.

"How?" Dean asked, shocked.

"Well, where do I start?" Sam asked casually. "The romantic looks across the room or the fact that you talk about him in your sleep?"

Before Dean could freak out, Sam just grinned and said, "Dude, it's okay. I'm happy for you. I really am."

Dean made Sam swear to not tell, to which Sam replied with a heartfelt, "Dean, the whole world can see it. I'm surprised Cas hasn't caught on yet."

Dean blushed, something he wasn't too proud about. He still made Sam swear to not tell. Sam swore, still grinning.

"Dude, you're blushing so hard. You really do have the hots for Cas."

"Shut up."

"Still blushing~" Sam replied.

It felt like they were younger again, two brothers trying to annoy the hell out of each other.

"Bitch," Dean said, trying his best to will the blush away.

Sam laughed and said, "Jerk," no malice in his tone.

That seemed like ages ago, when Sam and Dean were exploring the bunker, learning about all the secrets it had, all the passages. Before the world they both knew truly started going to shit.

And recently, Cas had decided to stay in the bunker, something Dean was really glad about. Cas was safe. The mishap with the rogue reaper really did scare him. A lot.

Even if it was for a few minutes, Dean didn't want to see Cas die ever again.

Ezekiel tried to force Cas away, but Dean said no. He stood his ground, even when Ezekiel threatened to leave Sam.

"Cas is 100% human. There's no chance Metatron's cronies can find him here."

Ezekiel then reluctantly agreed to wait it out for a week and see if Dean was right.

It was two weeks. Ezekiel popped in and told Dean that he was right.

With that taken care of, Dean was more at ease. Cas stayed.

Not too long after that, they found a possible lead on Metatron, two states away. Son of a bitch never settles in one place anyways.

It was a long trip from the bunker. Cas didn't sleep, looking outside the window. Sam jammed out to music on his phone, earbuds in, blocking the world out.

It felt so strange. On normal trips, like a hunt, they would be discussing what they knew and what they didn't know. They'd be brainstorming, making a game plan. It would help keep the tension out of the air, help keep them busy. It would help a lot, talking out loud.

But as of now, it was completely silent.

Needless to say, it was a very conversation-less trip.

Dean kept the radio off anyways, listening on the hum of the Impala and on the road, doing his best to not focus on the silence and on the road.

They arrived to the small town Metatron was rumored to be lurking around. Dean wanted to go after the son of a bitch right away. But Cas said he was tired. Sam wasn't in the mood.

So two outnumbered one. Dean had to stay. He wasn't going to go off on his own. The many times that has happened, to either him or Sam, it always ended badly. Really badly.

Once they checked in, Cas sighed and tossed his bag next to Sam and Dean's, going straight to the ratty, worn couch.

"I'm taking a nap."

Cas did that frequently now, take naps. Dean offered Cas to sleep on his bed, seeing that it was early in the evening. Cas shook his head and said no, saying that he was going to nap only for a little while. Dean offered a pillow, to which Cas said no as well.

Finally, Dean let Cas be and let him sleep.

Not long after Cas's light snores started, Sam said something about going for a beer run. Dean told him to not go after Metatron, to which Sam scoffed and said, "Look who's talking."

Dean rolled his eyes. Sam grabbed the keys to the Impala and went out.

Cas usually took some ten to twenty minute power naps. Something to keep him going through the long day.

It was almost an hour now.

While Cas napped, Dean was lounging on one of the two beds. He was silently surfing the internet on his laptop. Having nothing to do, he was looking for strange occurrences in the town, something he always did out of habit. Because hey, he didn't know how long they were going to be here. Who knew if there was a possible case?

But so far, he had found nothing. The town was a walking Hallmark commercial. Even down to the upbeat, friendly motel receptionist and white picket fence neighborhoods.

The apple pie life. He thought he wanted it at one point, but really, it wasn't for him.

Dean sighed and shut his laptop down. He didn't want to dwell on that for too long. Too many bittersweet memories, too many sleepless nights.

Not long after that, Cas began stirring.

Dean looked over and Cas sat up. But something was wrong about him. He was covering his face. He was shaking, soft noises coming from him.

Something was wrong.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

Cas looked up. He was crying.

Dean has seen Cas not being able to know what to do with himself with all the changes he's gone through. He's seen him at his lowest moments. He's seen Cas rebel.

But it was the first time Dean saw Cas cry.

Immediately, Dean let his instincts take over. He put the laptop aside and crossed the room.

"Cas? Hey, hey," Dean was sitting next to him on the couch. "It's okay. Cas, I'm here."

Cas sniffled, wiping his face with his sleeve. "Don't worry about it, Dean. I'm fine," he lied.

"Like hell you are. You looked scared. What's wrong?"

Cas sighed.

"Nightmare?" Dean asked. He recognized the effects of a nightmare on someone. He learned how to do that when Sam was little, when their dad was away at hunts. But Dean knew nightmares firsthand as well.

"A bad one."

"Hey," Dean touched Cas's arm. "It was only a dream."

Dean thought about what helped distract him when he had a nightmare. Music was one. The internet was another. Sometimes, he watched television.

"They have TV here. Want to watch something to get your mind off it?"

Cas shook his head. "I can't, Dean. I can't ignore much longer," he replied. "I need to talk about it."

Cas looked like he was going to burst. He really did want to talk about it.

"I'm listening," Dean said patiently.

"I dreamt of everything, Dean. I haven't had to dream about the past before, because," Cas paused. "Because as an angel, I didn't need sleep."

Dean nodded. "Everything how?" he asked gently.

"All the bad things."

Dean stayed silent.

"My brothers and sisters dying. The Apocalypse. Seeing Lucifer and Michael jump into the cage. Seeing Gabriel's body. Hell. Heaven. Purgatory," Cas paused. "And worse."

"Worse being?" Dean asked.

"The things I've had to do under Naomi's control. Samandriel died because of that. He was telling me what was wrong and I had to kill him. I haven't forgiven myself for it, Dean. Not ever. Samandriel was young, barely getting to actually use his wings," Cas' voice was breaking. "His grace was pure. Completely innocent. But when I stabbed him, I saw it. Tainted by Crowley, tainted by Heaven. But his innocence still remained. And I had to end his life, when he was barely getting to live it."

"Oh Cas. It wasn't under your control," Dean said softly, letting his hand squeeze Cas's arm.

He didn't want to hurt Cas, more hurt than he already was now.

Cas has gone through so much shit. It was heartbreaking. Dean didn't even know about the things Naomi made Cas do. Not until now, that was.

"I had to see the light behind his eyes go out as I stabbed him," Cas' voice cracked. "I had to end his life."

Dean felt like crying.

"It wasn't under your control, Cas. You couldn't have prevented it."

Cas wiped his face again. He tried to speak again, but he cried a little bit more.

"It gets worse, Dean. So much worse. When Naomi was controlling me, she made me kill thousands of copies of you."

Dean stayed silent.

"I had to kill them, Dean. I knew it wasn't you, but it was so hard. Naomi made me do it endlessly until I forced myself to kill you. And then, I had to do it. I had to kill you."

"Then the trance broke," Dean finished.

It was many months ago when it happened. He remembered. His own desperation, his own moments of clinging to the hope Cas was still there. Then he said it. "I need you, Cas. We're family."

Dean wanted to speak the unspoken words. _I love you. _

But he didn't.

Then, he remembered hearing the blade clatter on the ground, feeling Cas cure him from his wounds. The moment of immense relief, fear and hope.

The profound bond. It was what saved Dean that night. It was what saved Cas.

It was what saved them.

Cas sighed and leaned onto the couch. "I've failed so many times…."

"You haven't failed me."

Cas looked up, eyes red from crying.

"Cas, you saved me. And I'm so damn grateful for that."

Dean had never spoke it out loud. He's always thought it for years, always remembered that it was Cas who pulled him out. Sometimes, he felt that he wasn't worth the effort anymore. But even if those years weren't exactly the best, Dean still had to keep going, keep on fighting.

Cas was always there for him.

Cas hugged Dean.

Tightly.

Dean was startled. Usually, it was him who hugged Cas first.

"Thank you, Dean. You have no idea just how much that means to me."

Feeling overwhelmed, yet happy, Dean let out a breathy sigh. He slowly hugged Cas back. "No problem. I will always have you, cursed or not."

"This is what humans do to show gratitude and affection for each other, right?" Cas asked.

Dean felt his mouth tug a little bit into a small smile. "Yeah," he said wholeheartedly. And he hugged Cas back a little bit more tighter.

He wanted to keep this moment forever. Him and Cas. Nothing else.

Dean wasn't thinking when he gave Cas a small peck on the side of his head. He wasn't thinking when Cas looked up at him and kissed his lips softly.

He just let his heart take over.

Sam unlocked the door to the motel and walked in, not expecting the sight.

Dean and Cas were sleeping on the couch, together. Dean had his hand in Cas's hair, arm around Cas's middle. Cas's head was on Dean's chest, resting comfortably. One of his arms was hanging off the couch, another was Dean was using his jacket as a pillow.

It was bound to happen one day. Sam didn't know it'd be this soon.

Sam didn't say anything. He just smiled and grabbed the throw over blanket he kept with him in his bag and draped it over them.

Still asleep, Dean rustled and pulled the blanket, and Cas, closer. Cas leaned his head into the crook of Dean's neck.

Sam opened his laptop and watched a movie, eyes occasionally wandering over to the hunter and former angel. It was the most calm he has seen both of them in a long time.

They slept through the rest of the night.

**A/N: How was that? I enjoyed writing that. I really did. I wrote it in a day. Really proud of that. And I uploaded it from my phone once again. Magic, I tell you. Magic. Well, more like the wonders of File Manager that my Android has and Metro Web. It's actually good after all.**

**Just hold me. That episode was so good.**

**Well, thank you for reading! Reviews would be great!**


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